Chuck Norris facts
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Gazza's post below reminded me of this email i got ages back.... sarcasm is a beautiful thing.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no
one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs,
Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris'
sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus
Prime.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name
into concrete.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris divides by zero.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first
to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than
Death can process them.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the
back of the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
****s up.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not
grow on steel.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50
states in order to legally wear pants.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken
but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck
Norris will not take **** from anyone.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to
kick ass."
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is
Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the
Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and
wins.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that
Tom Cruise is a ******.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give
Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a
month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will
die.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount
of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in
Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved
calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits
to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women
who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was
following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean
you did not want it to happen.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just
entered a world with Chuck Norris.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris
is.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said,
"Chuck Norris was here."
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't
kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays
"hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly
qualifies for the "mile high" club.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck
Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in
his diamond mines.
Chuck Norris once gave Vin Diesel and friendly noogie. Vin's hair never
grew back.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he
turns the dark off.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris.
This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Elvis left the building because Chuck Norris showed up and told him to
get the **** out.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows
he's the murderer and used his foot to do it.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running
for your life.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
Chuck Norris.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces
of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did
find out what happened to Barry.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his
motives.
ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that
Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His
opponent drowned.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on
Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris
during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
If you were to lift up China and look at the bottom it would say made
by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats bowls of dynamite for breakfast and then flosses his teeth with steel wool. He then takes a two flush mega **** and wipes his ass with intercepted letters to santa claus.